Guilt is a powerful thing, my friends. I've struggled with it for awhile after we said goodbye to him. I felt guilty for not noticing sooner that he wasn't as active and was possibly in pain. I was so busy with work and taking care of Charlotte, that Bruiser and his needs fell to the wayside a bit. For not driving to PA sooner to get him when my mom called me to say he had blood coming from his nose (he often rammed the fence, so I assumed it was due to this.) I also feel guilt for not trying the immunogloblin treatment sooner. Even with pet insurance it was expensive, and we didn't do that expensive treatment until after he had a seizure, which looking back, he never got better after that. His personality changed. I'm not sure if it was the medication, the seizure, or the illness. He wasn't the same, and as much as I wished him to get better, it just wasn't happening. Guilt will keep you up at night and eat you alive. I feel guilty he didn't get to see spring one more time, or swim in the ocean one more time, or say goodbye to Birdy, Bella, Haugs, S, and J one last time (although Bird and S did talk to him on the phone on Feb. 6, 2015). At some point you have to ask for forgiveness and just hope you did the right thing. I am thankful that we did not prolong his suffering any longer than we did.
Instead of posting this on the anniversary of his death, I wanted to write something about the last full day he lived on the earth and celebrate his life! I had off work, and we had a lovely day together. I remember it had snowed like 4 feet of snow, it was insane but typical of Cleveland weather in February! (Video here) I had put a twin mattress in our living room and had been sleeping down there on it for a few weeks. I was nervous he'd have another seizure or get sick and I wouldn't be close to him. I also did not want him doing the stairs anymore. That morning it was really cute because he had been laying on the floor to sleep, probably trying to get some rest and get into a comfortable position. But he came up onto the twin mattress, only a few inches off the floor, and he laid right next to me, and let me pet him for awhile. Maybe he sensed my unease or sadness, but just like how he did over the years, he tried to cheer me up and make me feel better. We had a nice little visit to PetCo and some great food and lots of snuggles. I am so glad I had that time with him. Bruiser had a really good life. He was spoiled. He loved his walks, snuggles, barking at squirrels and bicycles, and playing with his sister, Bella. He went with us on vacation, for car rides, for ice cream cones. You name it, he probably did it. That gives me some comfort, knowing that he had a really good life with us and that 99% of our memories are positive.
Bruiser's video - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3HvDknwmss
It's still hard without him, and there are still more tears than smiles when I think of him. But I am hoping that one day I can smile just a little bit more. Maybe each year it will get a bit easier.
